Mommy.
Mom.
Ma.
MoooOOooOOOom. (This one spoken with undulating pitches.)
Mother.
Mama.
One word, but oh how different the meaning each form carries! That first tiny, sweet, baby-voiced "Mommy". It made something deep inside just explode with happiness and pride, and mushy-gushy mommy love. I remember when I eventually actually surprised myself by thinking "If I hear my name called one more time..." because Mommy had, in fact, actually become my name and the constant call out of one's name has a way of wearing the nerves a little thin at times.
Without being able to recall exactly when, the new nickname starts: Mom. Who?? What happened to Mommy? When did I become someone else to my children, someone less intimate, someone more generic? Mom takes a turn then morphs into MooooooOOooOOOooom! This seems to hang on for a long time and is generally followed by a demand, a whine, a tongue lashing. Hard to take, but Mommy has left the building and we mamas ultimately take what we can get.
We get all the in-betweens now and again, but personally I find when "Mommy" makes a come-back, it is generally intended for personal gain by the user. Butter-up mode. She can't say NO to this way of thinking! Fire up her maternal juices! I brace for whatever follows "Mommy...." because hey, this isn't my first parade. I'm smarter than the average mother.
But not this time. I wan't braced.Nothing holding me up. I didn't see this one coming a mile away. This one wasn't in those racing thoughts you get when you see your bundle of chubby love for the first time. Ten fingers? Yes! Ten toes? All there! Nicely shaped head? Check! Baby acne? Whew, none of that! Most beautiful baby in world? Hah! Do you even have to ask?!
This thought, maybe the one I should have had, maybe the only one that even mattered, never even flitted across the shadowy creases of my mind.
"Mommy," she called softly from her sterile hospital bed not 5 feet from my heart. "Mommy". "I'm here baby, what is it?"
"Mommy..." as another filet of my heart is sliced away..."I'm sorry I have cancer."
No, baby I'm the one who is so, so sorry.
